Tag Archives: sex

Going downtown with The Disney Chick

On a magical Saturday night, her car truly was the Happiest Place on Earth…

I don’t remember which dating website I met her on.  I don’t remember her name and I remember very few things about her.  I do remember what I was doing when we arranged our date and I remember what she was, or rather wasn’t, wearing when we met for our one and only date.  I do remember when I was talking with my friends I referred to her as The Disney Chick.  That much I’m sure of.

We traded a few e-mails and talked on the phone once and were going to try and go out on a Saturday night.  I don’t remember when it was, but I spent the day in the backyard cutting down a medium sized tree by myself and doing some other yard work, so I’m guessing it was probably spring.

She called one morning and asked what I was doing that night.  “Nothing,” I told her.  Just chillin.  She said that she wanted to go out with me and that she would try and get a sitter.  “No promises,” she told me.  “But I will try.”  Drama Queen was spending the night at grandma’s place, so I was totally free until early Sunday afternoon.

Around 3 PM she called back to say that she found someone to watch her kids and if I was still up for it, she wanted to meet for a couple of drinks.  I said that I was available and we decided on 7.  She asked about meeting at Downtown Disney since it was halfway between her place and mine and because it was a Saturday night it would probably be pretty happening.

I agreed and finished with the tree, then went inside to take a long, hot shower to relax my tired muscles.  Once done in the shower I found a pair of jeans that made my butt look its best (years of soccer and hockey got it looking good and I figure that you should accentuate your best feature), grabbed a shirt, threw on some shoes and headed towards Disneyland.

I found a decent parking spot and headed towards House of Blues and Tortilla Joes Cantina.  Ironically, that was the same Tortilla Joe’s Cantina where two years later The 36-Year-Old Virgin and I would have our first date.

The Disney Chick was already waiting and she looked pretty good.  We hugged hello and decided to walk around a bit before we got a drink.  We chatted about this and that and looked at who was coming to the House of Blues in the next couple months and shared our musical interests.  We popped in and out of shops and spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store, laughing at the tourists buying their overpriced, lame souvenirs and we tried on crappy hats that we had no intention of purchasing.  We finally decided it was time for some alcohol, so we exited the store and made our way back towards the booze.

We decided on Uva Bar because it was outside and we could enjoy the nice weather, talk and continue laughing at tourists.  I’m not sure why it’s so much fun to laugh at the Disney tourists, but it is.  I don’t remember what she ordered but I do remember it was hard liquor.  This chick was definitely not a wine sipper.  I liked that.

The drinks arrived, we clinked glasses and continued to talk about the usual first date stuff—job, kids, etc.  She worked for a large food company doing marketing.  I think it was a poultry company but I’m not sure.  She had two kids who were slightly older than Drama Queen.  She also seemed to have a bit of drama in her life, which I wasn’t overly thrilled about, but it was too early to judge.

About 30 or 45 minutes into the conversation we ordered another round–probably our third.  Maybe the fourth.  We were having fun.  She and I were sitting at the bar and it was a bit crowded, so we were pretty close to each other.  I know that our legs were touching and that on a couple of occasions she had leaned over to grab something off the bar and her rack brushed up against me—on purpose I’m pretty sure.  As I recall, she had a nice set.  Not overly impressive, but nice nonetheless.  For the record, I wasn’t complaining about them brushing up against me.

When the bartender delivered the aforementioned drinks she took a sip, looked at me and asked me what kind of underwear I was wearing.  I gazed at her, took a long, slow drink of my Jack and Coke and said, “Boxer briefs.  Why?  What are you wearing?”

“I’m not wearing any,” she replied.  I looked at her for a moment and said “bullshit.”  She then proceeded to stand up, push herself against me, unbutton the button on her jeans and grab my hand and move it down the side of her leg.  “Holy crap,” I thought.  She isn’t wearing any.

She slowly moved my hand back up (she still had her chest pressed against me) and quietly asked if I was sure that I was wearing boxer briefs.  “Pretty sure,” I told her, with a gleam in my eye.  She stared at me with a mischievous look and whispered, “Let me check.”  And with that she stuck her hand down the back of my jeans and grabbed my ass.

I think it’s safe to say that the flirting was on!  We kissed a few times, had a couple more drinks and she asked me where I was parked.  I told her that I had a pretty good spot and she said, “I guess we can go to my car.  I purposely parked way in the back.”  I got the bartenders attention and paid the check.  She grabbed my hand as we left the bar, passing all the families with screaming kids as we headed towards the parking lot.

This night was nothing like I had pictured when I was at home.  I’m not saying that I was totally opposed to the direction it was heading, I’m just saying that when I was walking towards the House of Blues, this is NOT how I figured the night would end.

We got about halfway through the lot and she started fumbling through her purse.  After a couple moments I asked her if she was having a hard time finding her keys.  “Nope,” she replied.  “The keys are right here.  I’m looking for a condom.”

Let’s just say that I learned a few things that night:  First is that the back seat in a Dodge Grand Caravan folds pretty flat and that it’s actually kind of comfortable.  I wouldn’t want to sleep on it, but I wasn’t sleeping.  Second is that the tinted windows work pretty well—especially at night.  Third is that I was actually a bit more flexible than I thought I would be after cutting down a tree all day.

We talked on the phone once or twice after that but never did go out again.  My early suspicions were confirmed; The Disney Chick had a lot of drama in her life and no matter how much fun that first date was, dating her was not going to be worth the headache.

Not going out again was no big deal, because on a magical Saturday night, her car truly was The Happiest Place on Earth.


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The Actress

“We were like training wheels for each other…”

This story is old school.  Really old school.  From back when I was still in high school.  If Sex and the Single Dad were a movie series, this story would be the prequel.

It was the spring of 1984 and I was in the parking lot of my church, waiting with my friends for a bus to whisk us off on an adventure.  We were on our way to the Bahia Hotel in Mission Bay (San Diego) for the annual youth convention.  I was a senior at Valley Christian High School and I had been chosen as the President of my church youth group.  As we waited for the bus, the pastor pulled me aside and informed me that he thought some of the kids were going to bring alcohol and could I please go through their bags and check.

I told him that I was the right man for the job and I totally meant it.  Why was I the right man?  Probably because I was the one who had organized the party and I knew what everyone was supposed to bring.  Now was as good a time as any to see if we were well stocked for the trip.  I know that I had my bottle of Bacardi and I had a roll of quarters so I could get Coke out of the vending machine at the hotel.  I checked the bags and made sure that everyone had what they were supposed to have.  We loaded the bus and headed south.

My pastor was in charge of the conference that year and as the guy in command of his youth group, I was helping with the planning.  Keep that in mind as you continue to read…

Immediately upon arriving we went to our room and looked for a good place to keep the beer cold.  We thought about filling up the bathtub with ice, but decided that four high school guys in a room for three nights with no shower was not a good idea.  Someone came up with the brilliant idea of putting a six-pack in the tank of the toilet.  The rationale was that the tank is always cold, so why not.  We all agreed and figured that we would spend the night sitting in the room, drinking and having a good time.  At least that was the plan.

That afternoon the pastor came to our room to discuss what part we were playing in the evening’s festivities when he announced that he had to use the bathroom.  Immediately the four of us froze and as he closed the door, I think we all had the same thought—“run and hide!”  I remember the toilet flushing and hearing the distinct clink, clink, clink of glass bottles hitting each other as the water drained out of the tank.  A moment later this man of God came out of the bathroom with a handful of Heinekens and a look of disappointment on his face.

I don’t remember the whole sermon, but I recall it being a lengthy one and I remember him looking at me several times and uttering the phrase, “I expected more from you.”  Ouch, yo.  After that, parents were called and we were all banished to the hotel room for the remainder of the three-night stay.

My friends and I were on the balcony that night when we spotted three girls heading towards the playground.  One in particular was quite appealing to me—tall, with red hair and dressed nice.  She looked classy, but not in a snobby way.  I was far from smooth in those days. (P.S.O. may argue that I’m not smooth now.  She may be right.)  I made a comment to my friends about wanting to talk with the red head, but being too embarrassed.

One of my friends (who had absolutely no shame) yelled down and asked them to come over and talk to us.  They did and the next thing I knew, the four of us, who were supposed to be locked in our room, were climbing down a tree and hanging out with them.  The redhead was an actress—a pretty good one, I would later find out.

We sat and talked for a while and decided to try and get together the next morning.  Meals were the only time we were allowed out of the room and my “crew” and I hooked up with her “posse” for our morning nourishment.

At some point on the trip The Actress and I kissed for the first time.  I remember we were on the playground, but I don’t remember the circumstances behind us being there.

She and I lost touch for a number of years, then one night I checked Facebook and found a message from her.  We chatted and caught each other up on the last 20+ years.  I called her this evening and left a message for her to call me back as soon as she could.  I told her that it was fairly urgent and that it was “blog related”.  She’s a fan of the site, so I knew that she would get back with me promptly.

An hour later my cell phone rang and she was calling from the Catskills in New York where she is on location shooting a small movie.  I told her that I had a couple of questions about “the old days” and asked her not to think I was a douche because I didn’t remember all the details.  I asked her about our first kiss and she laughed and said that her memories of it were much like mine—kind of hazy, but that it was definitely on the playground.

The Actress and I dated on and off for a couple of years and she was my first serious girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend.  I attended her junior prom (once I got off restriction from the whole “drinking at the church convention thing”) and I also attended her senior prom.  I went and saw her plays in high school and at junior college and she attended a performance of South Pacific that I was in.

Tonight we reminisced about fun moments from our past—of group bonfires at Huntington Beach and walking down the sand holding hands.  I reminded her of a couple  “small gatherings” at her parents house (they were out of town) where she made a concoction that she liked to call Frozen F***ups.  Basically, you take limeade and instead of adding cans of water you add cans of vodka, then put it in the freezer for a while.  It sounds crazy now, but remember that we were all of 18 and 17 at the time, so what did we know?  Long story short, though we never did have sex and left each other still virgins, it was still first love for both of us.

The Actress is married to a doctor and acts professionally in New York City.  I’m very happy with how things are going with P.S.O. and tonight we bantered back and forth about our current relationships.  Just before hanging up I told her I had one last question.  “How would you describe our relationship?”  I asked.  “I don’t mean now.  I mean back then.”  She paused for a moment and said, very matter of factly, “We were like training wheels for each other.  We didn’t necessarily support each other, but we helped each other learn.”

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The 36-Year-Old Virgin

“So…You gonna try and tap it?”

She had one of those perma-smiles on her face as she walked into my office for the first time.  We met online and had chatted a few times before deciding to go out and tonight was the night.   As she sat down at my desk I had no clue what a memorable night it would turn out to be.  Who knew that I would soon receive a slightly racist nickname as well as the shock of my life!

She’s from The O.C. and asked if we could go to Downtown Disney to walk around, talk and grab some dinner.  “Absolutely,” I replied.  “Where would you like to meet?”  She asked if she could meet me at my office, which was halfway between her place and the Happiest Place on Earth.

We climbed into my Xterra and headed north on Harbor Blvd., bypassing the parking for Disneyland and California Adventure, and grabbed a decent spot near the entrance to Downtown Disney.  We walked a bit, bopping in and out of several stores and having nice first date conversation.  After a bit I asked her if she was hungry and she said that she was.  There were a myriad of restaurants there and she asked if I minded going to Tortilla Jo’s Cantina.

“Seriously?” I asked.  “Yeah.  Why?” She responded.  I was trying to find a nice way to say what I had to say, but there was no way I could, so I just blurted it out.  “Well, uh, you’re Mexican and as a gringo I can say with almost absolute certainty that this place will not have real Mexican food.”

“Oh bolillo,” (pronounced bo-LEE-yoh) she exclaimed.  “I’m here with you and I want you to go Mexican tonight!”  Wow!  My expectations for the night just went way, way up.  She was cute and I will admit that I had already wondered what it would be like to “go Mexican” with her, but as it was a first date and considering I am generally a pretty nice guy, I hadn’t put too much thought into it.  Until now.  For the record, “bolillo” means “white bread”.

We made our way to the hostess stand and were seated at a quiet table in the corner.  It was a chilly Southern California fall evening (probably all of 50) and she wanted to avoid the patio and stay inside where it was “toasty”.  We ordered margaritas and looked over the menu, trying to decide what looked good.  The more I thought about what she said earlier, the more I decided that she was looking good, but I was still playing it cool.  For now.

We ordered our food and munched on chips and salsa and got another pitcher of margaritas.  We started eating and I honestly have no clue what was said to get her on this next topic, because neither sex nor anything sexual was ever brought up in any of our conversations.   Right after I put a bite of chile relleno in my mouth, as if on cue, she very casually mentioned that she was a virgin.

I quickly swallowed my food, looked up and said, “No shit?”  She looked a bit surprised at my response.  I apologized and said, “Let me rephrase that.  Seriously?”  “Of course,” she said with a giggle.  “I told you that I was never married.”

Now, I’m certainly not a prude, but neither am I a man whore and I have to admit that I was more than a bit shocked.  I looked over at her with bewilderment and took a long drink of my margarita.  Actually, I killed the whole glass and was pouring another as I asked, “So.  How did you manage that?”

She went on to explain that she had never been married and had been in only one serious relationship and that she was Catholic, which meant that she knew it was a sin to have sexual relations outside of marriage.  I tried my best not to laugh out loud and as I tried to suppress my laughter she asked what was so funny.  I told her that she should not take what I was saying the wrong way, but I asked her if she knew the reputation that Catholic schoolgirls have.  She said that she had heard that some engage in “relations” before they’re married.

“Some engage in relations?”  I asked, completely surprised by her answer.  “I went to school right up the street from St. Josephs and we used to call them The Ho’s from St. Joes”.  Catholic girls are stereotypically easy and I ended up with the 36-Year-Old Virgin?  I know that I’m gonna sound like an ass when I say this, but the next thing that went through my mind was, “I guess I’m not going Mexican tonight.”

Somehow we managed to change topics and finish our meal.  After dinner we walked around a bit more, grabbed some coffee and dessert and found a bench with a good view of the Disneyland fireworks.  As we sat there she reached over and took my hand and as she did I looked at her and saw that perma-smile still on her face.  I smiled back and after the show was over we walked hand in hand back to my car.  I gave her a kiss on the cheek as we departed and we decided to go out again a couple nights later.

I watched her climb into her teal Mustang and as I drove home I had a hard time shaking my newfound knowledge.   I reasoned that I hadn’t actually planned on having sex with her on the first date, so it was really no loss at that point.   I got home, jumped online, checked a few e-mails and saw that my friend “The Kings Fan” was online, so I shared the story with him.  Almost immediately he responded in typical dude fashion:  “No shit?  So…you gonna try and tap it?”


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Christmas With P.S.O.

Sometimes I’m just a douche…

It’s now a couple weeks into dating the Phone Sex Operator (P.S.O.) and things seem to be going well.  Her work schedule is busy at year-end and we were trying to get together on Wednesday for lunch in downtown Buffalo.  I sent her an e-mail in the morning telling her that I was hoping to see her and I got this reply:

What time would you like to make that a reality??

I’m free from 11:30am until 2:00pm – – – I have a 2:00pm call that I have to be here for ……..


We decided to meet at 12 in the lobby of her office building.  I found a prime parking spot and made my way into the lobby a few minutes early and after a brief wait I looked up and saw my pretty blond strolling across the lobby wearing her trademark 3 inch heels and a huge smile (along with a nice sweater and a coat).  We hugged and had a nice hello kiss and decided on a place to eat less than a half block up the street.  She took my arm and we made our way over and into the restaurant.

During a previous conversation she had mentioned that she would really like me to make a CD for her of some of my favorite music so that she could get to know what I liked.  Well, I ended up making three CDs and I brought those to her.  I also had a card and a little gift for her.  I put everything into a Wal-Mart bag so that it would be easy to carry and as we made our way up the street she asked what was in the bag.  I told her that it was something for her and that if she could just hold out for a few minutes that I would give it to her when we got to our table.

The restaurant was mostly empty and we got a table that we would later find out was right in the middle of a really, really cold draft.  It was around 15 F outside and every time someone came in or out, we knew about it.  But that was OK because we were together.  We were talking.  We were laughing.  We were having a good time.

We looked over the menus, discussing what looked good, when she noticed the bag was from Wal-Mart.  She threw down some back-handed, sarcastic comment about how great it was that I cared so much about her that I chose to bring her things in a “freakin’ Wal-Mart bag.”  “Only the best for you, baby,” I replied with a wink and a smile.

She looked at the CDs and was impressed.  She read off all the songs aloud and made brief commentary on each one.  I guess I did a good job with the music because out of the 56 songs on the three discs, there were only two songs that she really didn’t like.  We were on the same page musically and that was a good thing—especially if there are to be any road trips in our future.

We placed our order and she looked at me and asked what else was in the Wal-Mart bag.  I reached in and pulled out the card I had for her.  It was a nice romantic card and as she read it I could see her hazel eyes light up and the smile on her face grew bigger.  When she was done, she looked up from the card, thanked me and leaned over to give me a kiss.  After the kiss, she immediately turned her attention back to the bag, because it was obvious that there was something still inside.

Before we get to the last thing in the bag, let me just say that there are times that you want to give someone a gift, but you wonder if that gift is appropriate or if it’s the right thing to do.  I mean, when you first think about it, it seems great.  But as you mull it over, you have some doubt creep into your mind and you have to really decide if you should give it or if you should just hold off.

Let me give you a tip.  We can call this “J.R.’s Gift Giving Advice”.  Here it is in a nutshell:  If you ever want to give someone that you are dating or married to a gift, and at any point before said gift has been given you have ANY DOUBT in your mind that maybe you should not give that gift—don’t!  Just hold back.  Keep it private.  Never mention it to a soul—not even to your best friend!

I say this to you because it is fresh in my mind and because, frankly, sometimes I don’t listen to my own sensible advice.  Also, let me remind you of what I said at the beginning of this—sometimes I’m just a douche!

Things are going well with us right now and I thought that she might like a picture of us to put on her desk at work. There are no such pictures anywhere in existence (unless they reside on a security camera somewhere) so I, in all my infinite wisdom, thought that I would stick a picture of me in the frame for now and that down the road when there were pictures of us, she could replace it.

Of course I never thought to share that with her verbally.  Apparently I figured that it was either common knowledge that the picture was just a place holder, or I figured that we had such a connection that she could read my thoughts and just know what the photo of me was there for.  It didn’t really work out that way.

I handed her the 5X7 frame (Thank God it wasn’t an 8X10!) upside down and she made a comment about how nice it was and how maybe she would put the card I gave her in the frame or that she would put a picture of the two of us in the frame sometime.  I smiled back and waited for her to flip the thing over and look at the front.  I can say with 100% certainty that I will never ever forget what happened next…

This beautiful woman flipped the frame over, looked at the picture of me, paused a second, then looked up at me and said (with the perfect balance of sarcasm and love), “Seriously?  A picture of you?  What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”  We were now laughing our asses off and the three women at the next table glanced over to see what was going on.  I looked over at P.S.O. and simply asked, “What?’

Before I even gave her the gift, I knew in my heart and in my mind that I should just yank the damn photo out, but I didn’t.  We both laughed about it because we both knew what a stupid idea it was.  She did tell me that the frame was sweet and that she would just put the card in there for now and maybe replace it with a picture of us down the road.  I smiled and said that was fine.  I figured that after giving her the picture her wanting to still go out with me was a good thing.

It came time for dessert and we decided to get a sampler of all three of their sweets.  The plate came and P.S.O. dipped her spoon into the chocolate pot de creme and lovingly raised it towards my mouth.  I tasted the treat and I took a spoonful and moved it towards her mouth.  As I did so, she looked up from the table and said, “what the hell are you doing?”  I told her that I was giving her a bite.  She looked at me and said, “That’s gay.”  I asked her what she meant and she said that for me to reciprocate was gay.  I asked her if it would be gay if I did it first and she said no.  Going first was cool, but for me to follow up was pretty gay.

We got together for lunch on Christmas Eve to exchange our real gifts.  She gave me a bottle of Escada cologne and told me that it was kind of a selfish gift because she really liked it (wink wink).  I also got a Christmas ornament—a silver and crystal letter “J”—and she said that she hoped that she would get to see it for many years to come.  I also got a nice handcrafted box with pens on the top and a quote from Ernest Hemingway on the side,  “THE WRITER MUST WRITE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, NOT SPEAK IT”.

The gifts blew me away.  She had no clue that Hemingway is one of my favorite authors and the fact that she gave me something that she hopes to see for years down the road is awesome.  I can’t wait for the first opportunity to go out with her and wear the Escada.  We’re going out New Years Eve and I can definitely wear it then.

As I drove back from the date I thought about the gifts that I gave her and about the gifts she gave me.  I came to a realization as I headed up the Skyway from Hamburg towards Williamsville:  Sometimes I’m just a douche, but I guess the rest of the time I must be a pretty decent dude.


Related posts:

The Phone Sex Operator

New Years Eve Karaoke

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The Phone Sex Operator

“Making sex is like a Chinese dinner: It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookies.”

Old Man Dunphy, Outside Providence

I once received a fortune cookie that read, “When you decide to stop searching, only then will you find what your heart desires.”  That sounded a little corny, yet there was a hint of truth to it.  On the back of the fortune cookie there were some randomly selected “winning” lottery numbers, but they have nothing to do with this story.

After my last relationship ended I went out on a couple of dates here and there, but I decided I was going to take a break.  I refused to settle and it just seemed like nothing was clicking with anyone I was meeting online, so I concluded that if, by the middle of December, there was no one I was interested in dating, that I would pull my profile down and figured that I would revisit the situation down the road…

It was a crisp autumn weekday morning.  I woke up as usual around 7 AM and as I recall, there was a powdery layer of snow on my car.  I went upstairs to wake up my daughter and somehow rustle her out of bed so that she could take Lucy (our dog) outside to do her morning business before getting ready for school.  I came back downstairs to make some coffee and as my liquid crack laced Tim Horton’s was brewing I checked my e-mail.

There in my inbox were two messages from the dating website notifying me that I had two new matches.  I’m not a shallow person by any means, but the reality is that with anyone you consider dating, there has to be at least some level of physical attraction.  I don’t make a decision based solely on the picture, but I would be lying if I said that the picture doesn’t factor somewhat into the decision making process.

One of the messages was from a woman that I had absolutely no physical attraction to, so I put her into the “Closed” category.  The other was from a very striking blond from pretty close to where I lived.  I was interested, so I read the profile:

The most important thing XXXXX is looking for in a partner is:

A true companion – someone who values our relationship as a friendship and COMMUNICATES the good, the bad and the ugliness of everything. My soul mate would love me for me, love my bad hair days & morning breath and most importantly – have a sense of humor and accept the challenges of life with a positive attitude.

I liked that, and the rest of profile was pretty interesting, so I decided to start the process with her.  She responded back and we went through the whole rigmarole and after a few days and several nice e-mails back and forth, I had her phone number along with an invitation to call it.

I took a deep breath, dialed the digits and after making small talk for a few minutes; I told her that I found her to be intriguing and very attractive.  I also told her that I would really like to take her out one night to get to know her better.  As we chatted, I could almost see her hazel eyes light up and through the phone I saw that mesmerizing smile grow even bigger.  By the time I got to the actual “asking out” part, I could hear the excitement in her voice.  She eagerly accepted and we decided to go out for the first time on Saturday night.

This woman is pretty and funny but there is something else about her that I really liked.  This may sound totally lame, but I loved listening to her voice.  There was just something about it that drove me wild.  After thinking about it, I decided hers was the kind of voice that guys (and some women too) would pay $4.99 a minute to listen to.  And thus, The Phone Sex Operator (or simply, P.S.O.) came into my life.

That first date was incredible.  Not once did we have one of those usual awkward moments of silence that can erase the chance of a second date.  In fact, it was as if she and I had known each other for years and years.  We were laughing, we were having a great time and it seemed that we had very similar tastes when it came to music, movies and TV.  The evening was filled with smiles, winks, eating off the other’s plate and occasionally our hands would touch and we would linger over the touches for a few moments.

We spent several hours together that first night and even made it back to my place for a bit (get your mind out of the gutter.  Nothing happened).  I was showing her the house and as we came back downstairs I waited til we neared the bottom and (apparently) gave her quite a shove. I’m not quite sure how that happened, considering I was in front of her. “He pushed me down the stairs” is the story that she’s sticking with, so I figured that as long as she’s not pressing charges, I would be OK with it.  We laughed about the incident and decided that if things worked out long-term we would at least have a good story to tell the grandkids about our first date.

Even with a sore elbow and a little bump on the back of her head, when it came time to say good night, there was no question about whether or not a kiss was in order.  I grabbed her, pulled her close and did my best to give her a kiss that she would not soon forget.  It must have worked, because 15 minutes later we were still standing there kissing.

We’ve had a few more dates since then and we regularly trade e-mails and have phone conversations throughout the day–I LOVE hearing her voice!  Things are looking promising and we went out to lunch again today.  There is a really good story to be told about this afternoon, but I think that I will wait and post it on Christmas Day.  Consider it a holiday treat from me to you.


P.S.  I already received everything I could possibly want for Christmas (P.S.O.), but if anyone is even remotely interested in getting me something, I could use a copy of Outside Providence on DVD.  It’s out of production, so it’s kind of hard to come by…

Related posts:

Christmas with P.S.O.

New Years Eve Karaoke

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The Bookstore Chick

So my daughter picks up this woman for me at Barnes and Noble…

I think that its hilarious to listen to some single dads complain about their weekend with the kids.  They get all dramatic about this and that and how they were so exhausted and couldn’t wait to get the kids back to their mother.  It cracks me up.  It really does.

In a way, I wish that I had their reality.  I absolutely love my daughter and would not give up my full custody for anything, but truth be told, it would be nice to have the occasional weekend free from parental duties.  I also love how these same dads try and push all the “parenting stuff” off on mom, while they do their best to be the fun parent.  Deal with reality, losers.  You knocked her up, so you can do some of the heavy lifting yourself.  Life isn’t all about Chuck E. Cheese and ski trips!

So there I was, at home one night, a full-time single dad fixing dinner after returning home from my 9.5 hour workday when my darling 12-year-old announces that she needs to get a book at the bookstore for this project that she has due.  “OK,” I tell her.  “When is it due?”  “Tomorrow,” she replies very matter of factly.  As I start to lecture her about responsibility and all that stuff, she looks at me, rolls her eyes and says, “what’s your problem?”

What’s my problem?  Right now I have a 4’11” redheaded problem!  I quickly finish dinner and we gobble it down and jump in the car to head to our local Barnes and Noble.  Having just moved to Buffalo, I knew that we were almost halfway between two stores and I had been to one, but I really hadn’t ventured much into the neighborhood of the other one, so I figured that we would have an adventure and hit the one on “The Boulevard” (Niagara Falls Boulevard, for the record).

We arrived at the bookstore and I found myself perusing the wares on a table when this blond woman across the table from me makes a comment about how much some book costs.  I look up and said something back (I have no idea what I said.  It was that memorable) and we chatted for all of 10 seconds before she walked away with her daughter.  I went and found my bundle of sunshine and we were in another aisle about 5 minutes later when she pointed out, “that lady you were talking to at the table just walked past us.”  I looked up and said, “OK.”  To which she replied that I should go over and talk to her.  I glanced over at the lady and decided that she was kind of cute, but I figured that the odds of me picking up a woman at a bookstore at 7:45 PM on a Tuesday night were about as good as the chance my daughter was gonna get an “A” on this project.  So, I simply said, “Whatever.”

The next thing I know my little matchmaker was out of the aisle and slowly working her way over to where the blond was and as soon as the woman picked up a copy of a Rachel Ray kids cookbook, my daughter says, (in a loud voice) “I have that same cookbook.  Daddy, what recipe did we make from that cookbook?”

Oh no she didn’t!  The fruit of my loins just picked up a woman for me at Barnes and Noble!  I felt kind of pimped out.  What I should have done was said, “I don’t know what recipe.  We have to go do your project.”  But I felt kind of obligated to talk with this woman for a few minutes.

As I chatted with The Bookstore Chick, her daughter and mine started striking up their own friendship.  After a couple of moments, the Chick asked if I wanted to move over to the café and have some coffee.  I said sure, and just like that, I was on a date with a blond at the bookstore.

We talked about this and that for the next half hour or so and I looked at my watch and announced that we simply had to get home so that we could get this project done, but would she like to go out over the weekend?  She agreed and we traded numbers and e-mail addresses and went our separate ways.  She sent me a text that night saying that she was looking forward to Saturday night and that she would talk with me tomorrow.

As we sipped our coffee that first night, she mentioned that she was a little sore because she just had a biopsy done on one of her breasts and she had the staples in for a couple more days.  I politely inquired as to whether or not she had good news and she said the tumor was benign.  Why do I tell you this now?  Well, it probably has something to do with a text I received the next morning.

After a good morning text from her, I received another one.  This one had a photo attached.  “Hmmm,” I thought.  “I wonder what this is?”  I opened it up and to say I was shocked would be a huge understatement.  There, staring me in the face (pun fully intended) was her left breast, most of which was covered in a bandage!

Now I like a good boob as much as the next guy, but this was a bit weird.  It wasn’t huge by any means, but it wasn’t small.  The gauze bandage covered up most of it, but there was still enough hanging out to make it worth the view.  It wasn’t firm and full, but neither was it hanging down to her knee.  I scratched my head and wondered why she had sent it to me, and after a while I kind of panicked and wondered if I was expected to reciprocate.  I’m not sure that I was comfortable sending a stranger pictures of my junk.  For the record, I’m not sure how I feel about sending anyone pictures of the Southern Hemisphere.  Unless it’s my butt.  I do have a nice ass.  It’s all those years of playing ice hockey in California.

Long story short, we still went out on Saturday night, but it was probably my shortest date ever.  We met at a local pizza and wing joint, ordered a couple beers, some pizza and a few wings and started talking again.  I began to ask her about her job and about her family and she simply flipped out.  She got all flustered and gathered up her purse and her coat and said that this was all going too fast and that she couldn’t handle it.  The next thing I knew, she was out the door and going to her car.

I sat there for a moment, kind of confused, but then I leaned back in the booth, took a sip of my beer, munched on some pizza and killed a few wings before I too headed home.  As I drove back down The Boulevard I thought to myself how odd this all was.  I mean, I got a boob picture the day after I met her, so I figured that I would at least get a kiss on the first date.  Maybe even some tongue.  I wondered what to do with the rest of my evening and I thought about reading.  “There’s a Barnes and Noble just up the street,” I thought to myself.  “Maybe I’ll go look for a book…”


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The Period One

Yeah.  It’s exactly what you’re thinking…

She will always be my first.  I don’t remember her name.  Patty seems to come to mind for some reason, but maybe it’s because she was Irish with red hair.  Her name is completely unimportant to this story, because for the last 6 years all anyone has ever called her is “The Period One”.

Let me clarify the phrase, “She will always be my first.”  She wasn’t my “first” as in the first person I slept with; she was my first date after O.C.B. (Original Crazy B****, AKA my ex).  Thanks for letting me clear that up.

We met online and as I dialed her number for the first time I was crazy nervous.  My hands were shaking a bit and my voice probably was too.  I can’t remember whether or not I had a couple of drinks to steady myself, but if I didn’t, I probably should have.  Part of me was hoping to get her voice mail so that I could leave a message and let her get back to me on her own time.  I didn’t want her to be in the middle of something and have her be annoyed that I was interrupting.  On a scale of 1-10 I think my self-esteem was hovering somewhere between two and three.

She did answer the phone and somehow I was able to hold it together and I found a way to string along a fairly intelligent conversation.  It must have been intelligent, because before I hung up the phone I had a date.  Not only did I have a date, but I had a date with a pretty girl.  A pretty, thin, redheaded, seemingly normal girl.  I was excited.

There are some details that I don’t remember at all and others that I remember vividly.  Some I remember too vividly.  I remember that she said she had recently moved from Philly and that she was a huge Eagles fan.  I also remember that she lived in Hollywood.  At the time I lived in Long Beach, CA and we were (depending on traffic) anywhere between 30 and 90 minutes apart.  I also remember that the date was on a Monday night.

As we chatted on the phone she mentioned that she really missed watching the Eagles and that when she was in Philly she loved going to a sports bar to watch the games.  As luck would have it the Eagles were playing on Monday Night Football just a few days later, so we decided to meet at a sports bar near Hollywood so that we could watch the game and talk.

My stomach was in knots as I got ready for that first date.  I don’t recall throwing up or anything, but I remember sweating and being scared.  Really scared.  Why was I scared?  I had no game and even less self-esteem.  Not the best combo.

I made my way from freeway to freeway and found a parking spot close to the sports bar and, after parking my car, I got out, wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and made my way inside.  I arrived first and I grabbed a table where both of us could get a good view of the game, just in case the date headed south.

She arrived a few minutes later and she looked just like her pictures.  I wasn’t surprised at this fact, but you have to remember that she was the first person that I had met online and I wasn’t yet hip to the reality that a lot of people don’t look like the pics they post.  Anyway…

She arrived and looked just like her pictures.  I remember she was wearing a tight black shirt—kind of low cut, but not too low.  She was also wearing a plaid schoolgirl-type skirt and black tights.  She looked good.  Really good.

We started chatting, grabbed a couple of drinks and perused the menu a bit.  We ordered a couple of appetizers and some sandwiches and started talking some more.  The nachos arrived and we began eating.  What happened next will forever remain burned in my mind and I can picture the whole event as if it was 15 minutes ago.

I had just put a bite into my mouth when she looked up at me and announced, “I really like sex, but I can’t tonight because I’m on my period.  I hope that’s OK with you.”  Seriously. This chick announced to me just 15 minutes into our first meeting, that she couldn’t have sex because she was menstruating.  Wow!

I tried not to choke on the chip in my mouth and I somehow found the ability to say, “Sure.  No problem.”  I quickly replayed the moment over in my head to make sure that I heard her correctly.  “She didn’t really just say that,” I reasoned.  Then I tried to come up with another phrase that sounded like “I really like sex, but I can’t tonight because I’m on my period.  I hope that’s OK with you.”   But I couldn’t.

To say I was a bit freaked out would be a huge understatement.  I had just come out of a 13-year relationship and I had full custody of my 5-year-old.  I was naive and figured that I would meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after.  Now here I was sitting across the table from a chick that wanted to nail me on the first date, but couldn’t because she had Aunt Flo in town.

Should I be upset that here I was putting out good money for dinner and drinks and she wasn’t putting out at all or should I be creeped out that this woman I hardly knew thought that I should know right up front about her monthly cycle?

The reality is that someone like her was likely to have some sort of a Super STD—one that could penetrate even the strongest of condoms.  This one was a flat-out slut.  Take that to be a good thing or a bad thing.  Your call.

The bottom line is that I somehow finished dinner and we went our separate ways at halftime.  I never did call her back for a second date, but I’m sure that if I would have, I could have had some much needed sex.  When I got home I called a couple of friends to tell them the story and one was nearly as freaked as I was.  The other one?  He was pissed, not freaked.  To this day I still remember his reaction, “Did you ask her if her mouth worked?”

Welcome back to the dating world…


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Filed under Dating