Tag Archives: online dating

Fat chicks in bikinis

What I saw that day made me seriously not want to have sex…

I am so glad that I don’t have to online date anymore.  Life with The Phone Sex Operator (P.S.O., AKA my girlfriend) is awesome.  We have a great relationship and I seriously believe that she is “The One”.  My love life wasn’t always awesome.  It used to suck, and not in a good way.

Once upon a time I was looking for love online and if you’ve ever done it you know that it’s a crapshoot at best.  I’m not going to mention which site I met P.S.O. on, but I will say that if things keep going well, one day you may just see us on TV as one of their success stories.

Let me start by saying that I’m absolutely not a shallow person.  I’m not George Clooney or Brad Pitt and I wasn’t looking for Barbie.  What I ended up with was a beautiful, funny, charming, intelligent, loving woman.  I wouldn’t trade her and who she is for anyone in the world.  Seriously.  The people I saw online before I met her were a mix of good and bad.  More bad than good.  W A Y more bad than good!

This is not a diatribe on weight and size.  I don’t need to hear from the BBW chicks saying I’m slamming on them.  I’m not.  What I am ranting about today are people who view themselves in a way that’s not realistic.  If you’re big, you’re big.  That’s cool.  I could lose a few pounds, so I’m not judging.

Before we met in person, P.S.O. told me on several occasions that she had “a little junk in the trunk”.  I think she looks amazing.  Did I mention how lucky I am to be with her?

What is it about people and their inability to be honest about who they are?  I think these dating sites should have guidelines as to what “athletic” means and what “average” really is.  The dictionary lists average as “being intermediate between extremes”.  To me that means that you’re not fat and you’re not skinny.  You’re not the Olson Twins, but neither are you Mama Cass.

I’m not saying I have anything against fat chicks.  I’ve dated a couple of women who could lose more than a few pounds.  I’d like to say that they were both nice people and that their personality made them fun to be around.  I’d be lying if I said that because one of them was a straight up bitch.  The other was moderately snotty.  I used to not have good judgment.  Now I do.

Back in the day, I knew that when I was filling out my dating profile I shouldn’t call myself athletic.  Just because I play ice hockey does not mean I have an athletic physique.  Likewise with some of these women, just because you do some sort of physical activity you are not automatically “athletic”.

Here’s a message to the women whose profiles list bowling as a sport they play:  Bowling is NOT a sport.  It’s a recreational activity.  Anything you can do with an alcoholic beverage in one hand isn’t a sport.  There’s nothing wrong with bowling, but you can’t seriously think that bowlers are athletes, can you?  I mean, when was the last time a bowler was nominated for Athlete of the Year?

People need a dose of reality and if they can’t admit who they really are, they need to watch the beginning of the movie Back to School.  Rodney Dangerfield’s character, Thornton Mellon, has a great line:

“Hi there. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? Well, let’s face it: Are you FAT? When you go jogging, do you leave pot-holes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw YOU peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say ‘OK…’”

After deciding to write this today I bumped around one of the bigger dating sites (PlentyOfFish) to do a bit of research.  I did an advanced search and put in women between 35 and 45 within 25 miles of my zip code.  I left every criteria open except for body type.  I put “average” in as the body type I wanted.  I didn’t care how much money they made, what sign they were, what they were looking for (dating, long-term, etc…) all I wanted to see were pictures of women who considered themselves to be average.  I got more than 700 results and here is what I found:

The first one to pop up in my list had only one picture, and it was from the shoulders up.  The face was pretty plump, but since I couldn’t see the body I’ll call this one a draw.  On to the next profile.

This one had a head shot with a very round face and a full body shot, but the full shot was taken from a distance.  It showed no facial features and it appeared as if she was a bit on the hefty side, but still not sure.  Time for number three.

Three is “looking for a blk male”.  Obviously she needs a spelling tutor.  Her lone picture is from the waist up and suffice it to say that she is far from the dictionary definition of average.  She is carrying a lot of weight and it appears that it’s not all in the chest area.  Let’s call her #1 on the “Wrong Category” list.

As I went through page after page of these women I came to two conclusions.  The first is that try though they may, animal prints do NOT hide the fact that you’re a big woman.  My second conclusion is that I am a very, very lucky man to have found P.S.O.

Today wasn’t as bad as some days that I’ve viewed women’s profiles online (I haven’t searched since we started dating.  I believe in something called monogamy).  Maybe it’s because today was just for pure research.  In the past there have been many days/nights when I have gone online, clicked on a profile and quickly shut my eyes and yelled “holy crap!” at what I saw looking back at me.

I vividly remember (too vividly in fact) going online a year ago, opening up one profile in particular and seeing a really fat chick in a bikini.  She was trying to look cute, but the reality is that there was no way in hell that this one should have ever been within 150 pounds of a bikini.  When I go to the beach I don’t take my shirt off.  You know why I don’t?  It’s because I shouldn’t.  No one wants to see me with my shirt off (The Phone Sex Operator says she does, but that’s a different story).

What I saw that day made me seriously not want to have sex—not that I was in any danger of getting laid that night.  Before I went online I remember thinking that I would spend a little quality time alone later on (if you know what I mean), but the picture of the chick in the bikini killed it for me.

This was not the first picture that made me shudder and I thank God that I no longer have to subject myself to filtering through profile after profile of women who can’t get a handle on who they really are.  Guys are into all kinds of women but women have to be in the right place to find the right guy.  If you’re still doing the online dating thing, take a long look in the mirror and put yourself in the right category.  If you don’t like what you see, put yourself in the right category anyway and start working towards getting yourself where you want to be.

If you’ve got any good online dating stories of people not being who they say, please let me know.  I would love to hear them…


Related Post:  Truth in Advertising

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Filed under Dating, Phone Sex Operator

Truth In Advertising

All I want is a little online street cred.  Is that too much to ask?

Online dating is an imperfect science.  Heck, it may not even be a science.  The more I think about it, it’s kind of a crapshoot.  Most of us put a lot of time and effort into building a profile on the various dating sites and we hope for the best. Often times what we end up with is far from the best and it gets frustrating.   Entire books, like Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace by Dianne Sweeney (www.diannesweeney.com), are devoted to the trials and tribulations of cyber-dating.

I can’t count the number of times I have traded e-mails with, made phone calls to or gone out on a date with someone who was not at all what their profile made her out to be.  I’ve often wished that someone could have given me a heads up on that person—a warning if you will, as if to alert me to what was just around the corner.  How cool would that be?  The dating sites should have a “Rate-Your-Date” section where you can give a review as to the validity of the profile and as to whether or not they were as advertised to be.  A sort of “Truth In Advertising” section of the site!  That would be rad.

I was talking with the Phone Sex Operator the other day and she brought up this same subject and she suggested that I write about it sometime.  That sometime is now.  Thanks for the tip, baby.  I’ll be sure and return the favor sometime soon!

There are way too many dating sites out there.  I went to Google and typed in “online dating” and I was given 59,600,000 results.  I know that there aren’t nearly that many sites, but lets be honest, there are a ton of places that one can go online to try to find love, lust or a combination of the two.

Every time I log onto Facebook I see ads for very large breasted women who apparently are ready to meet me.  Some are Christian while others are single mothers.  Some may even be Christian single mothers.  There are apparently a ton of attractive, busty young women who specifically want to date a man over 40.  I did not know that!

The funny thing with this is that as soon as I check out these sites all I see are pictures of women that look nothing like the one that begged me to visit the URL.  I guess that the deception begins with the actual dating site itself.

Today I went online to look at some profiles of women that I have had the misfortune of meeting.   A couple of the profiles I reviewed will end up being full blown stories down the road, but these two examples will get their 15 minutes of fame right here in this piece.  The one thing both have in common is that after meeting face-to-face something ended up being way different than what their profile said.

The NASCAR Fan is someone that I went out with once.  We traded e-mails and she seemed decent enough.  She could hold up her end of the conversation and she went on to inform me via her profile how horrible her last relationship was and how she was so over the guy and that she was so looking forward to dating a guy who knew how to treat a lady.

We met for a drink and she sat down and we started chatting about this and that.  There was a brief lull in the conversation and I racked my brain for something to say, so I asked her who her favorite NASCAR driver was.  She seemed surprised that I would ask and I guess I was surprised that she was surprised that I asked because on her profile it said that she was “a huge NASCAR fan”.  She said that she didn’t have a favorite driver, so I asked her for a couple that she liked.  She paused for a moment and said, “Uh, Jimmie Johnson and Junior.”  She said it with a bit of hesitation and in fact it was more of a question than an answer.   I’m guessing that she was racking her brain trying to think of a couple drivers that she had actually heard of.

That part wasn’t so bad, but I still was a bit uneasy.  I mean, if you’re going to lie about something as insignificant as “I like racing”, what else are you going to lie about?  We finished our date and I decided that she was worth another meeting, to see if there really was anything there.  I asked her if she would like to go out again and she told me that she thought she was free over the weekend and why didn’t I call her in the morning and we would find a time to go out.  I said I would, hugged her and climbed into my car to head home.

I broke her off a call the next morning and left a message.  Not an hour later I received an e-mail from her, stating that she decided that she was going to get back together with her boyfriend and thanks for the drinks, but that she “really, really wanted to make it work this time.”  I laughed it off because she spent so much time telling me what a tool this guy was and now here she was getting back together with him.  Who do you think I bumped into less than 48 hours after being told that she was off the market?  You guessed it.  She was back online.  She was online three days after that.  And a week later.  And again today.

How cool would it be if I could have left some feedback on her profile to warn other guys about her little game?  My guess is that I was not the first guy she went out with and then blew off with the “I’m getting back with my old boyfriend” game.  I’m sure that I won’t be the last and I wish that I could hook my local brethren up with the knowledge that I now have.  Oh well.

Next we have The Executive.  She said that she has a great sense of humor and that she loves to laugh and have a good time.  She also said that the pictures on her profile were current.  We traded a couple e-mails and talked on the phone once and found a time that we could both meet for coffee at a local coffee joint.

I walked in the door and looked through the place, but didn’t see her.  I made one more pass and as I got to the door again I whipped out my cell phone and called her.  I told her that I was there and asked where she was.  She informed me that I had walked right by her twice (if she saw me, why didn’t she say something as I walked by?) and that she was sitting over near the fireplace and was wearing a red sweater.  I turned around and walked over by the fireplace and saw a woman wearing a red sweater but there was no way in hell that it was the same person I had been communicating with.  She was at least 75 pounds heavier than her pictures and as much as I tried, I could not see the person in the picture anywhere in her physique.

We talked a bit and I tried to lighten the mood with some humor, but she would not laugh or even smile at anything.  “What happened to that sense of humor,” I wondered.  I’m a bit ashamed to admit this, but the first answer that popped into my head was “maybe she ate it.”

Let me be clear on one thing—I am NOT a shallow person.  I’m not Ken and I’m not looking for Barbie.  I am, however, looking for someone that can be honest and someone who can admit who they really are.  I mean, if you can’t be honest enough to post a real picture of yourself and tell someone “this is who I am,” what are the chances of a relationship working?  The bottom line is that this one was the polar opposite of what her profile said and I was a bit miffed at being duped.

I’m honest with my profile.  Maybe a bit too honest.  I lay out who I am and my feeling is that either you like me or you don’t.  If you do, great.  If you don’t, that’s OK.  I like me and I know that there is someone out there who can love me for who I am and who will let me love her for who she is.  Maybe I’ve met her.  Maybe not.  Time will tell.

For those of you who online date my challenge to you in 2010 is to be yourself.  Change your profile to reflect who you REALLY are.  Don’t play games and don’t try to pretend to be someone you’re not.  The façade can only stay up for so long, then reality will rear its ugly head and people feel hurt and taken advantage of.  We could all use some street cred, whether online or in the real world.  We lose some of that cred every time we bullshit someone and pretend to be someone that we’re not.  Your goal should be to add to your street cred in 2010!  Word to your mother!


BTW…you can find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/jrreedradio

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