Tag Archives: douche

My Facebook Status

Who knew it would be such a big deal?

It was a dark and stormy night.  Actually it wasn’t, but as a writer I’ve always wanted to start a story that way.  Snoopy used to do it and he was pretty cool.  I figured if it worked for him then it could work for me.  Apparently I was (once again) mistaken.  Let me start over…

It was dark and had just finished snowing.  As I gazed out the window I saw a soft layer of powder covering the walk where I had recently shoveled.  The Sabres had just beaten the Maple Leafs and I grabbed my laptop and hopped on my bed to see what was happening on Facebook.

It was the usual stuff, The Skater Chick was talking about wanting to lick the sweat off of Bono and The Edge at the U2 concert, The O.C. Vodka Queen posted pictures of butts on her page and my colleague The USC Guy posted something about Pete Carroll possibly going to Seattle and how cool it would be if Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush and LenDale White could all join him there.

I (of course) replied to his comment with this line:

“Matt Leinart is a douche. He’s lazy and with his work ethic the only way he’s gonna score is with some skanky Baby Mama. He used to be good, though.”

To which a holier-than-thou friend of his replied:

“JR do you know Matt Leinart personally? Do you know 1st hand his work ethic? I would say NO then you should speak ill of people. Whatever we do to others in life will eventually come back to you. So tread lightly my friend.”

Now do you really think that I could let that slide?  Hell no!  I read his reply a second time (for motivation), cracked my knuckles and said, “It’s on!”  I though for a moment about how I wanted to start it and came up with this:

“Do I know him personally? As in do I hang out at his pool parties? No. But I am aware of what his coaches (AKA his bosses) and his teammates (AKA his co-workers) have to say about him and his lack of work ethic. As to “whatever we do to others in life will eventually come back to me”. I’m not the one who was drafted by a team to be their future then spent my time knocking some chick up and staying out partying instead of studying his playbook and learning his job. For the record I didn’t DO anything to Matt Leinart, but in my opinion he “did” the entire Cardinals fan base. I’m just saying….”

I posted that at 9:37 PM Eastern time last night.  It is now 2:52 PM (still Eastern time) on Saturday and no one has bothered to reply back.  I have to say that I’m a bit disappointed.  But on to the story of my status…

After dropping the hammer on the President of the Matt Leinart Fan Club I returned to my page where I happened to glance at my relationship status.  It was set as “Single”.  I reclined on my bed and thought about that a bit.  Yesterday P.S.O.’s cousin broke her off a call and said that she wanted to go out “with you and your guy”.  I think that if family members refer to me as “her guy” that it’s safe to assume that we are in a relationship.  In all fairness I should point out that the cousin has an ex-husband with my name, so she will never call me the J word.

After my moment of contemplation I went ahead and changed my status.  Now if you go to my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/jrreedradio) you will see that I am “In a Relationship”.  I really thought nothing of it, but not three minutes later I receive this from The Little Ustin (a colleague from KLBC):

“Please tell me you’ve had phone sex with her.”

An hour later the O.C. Vodka Queen wrote:

“whoa….now that is a HUGE step in a relationship…to change your FB status to “in a relationship”..it’s almost like getting married….should I send you a card? I’m sure Hallmark has a card for that!!!…. : D
You know I’m really happy for you two!!”

Do you really think that Hallmark makes a “I’m glad you’re dating The Phone Sex Operator” card?  If so, I’ve never seen that one!  Nothing against the authors of the first two comments, but my favorite ones have to be from my boy Hockey Dawg, a friend, colleague and former hockey teammate.  He and I went back and forth a few times:

H.D. You ain’t “in a relationship” playah ! Whomever it is, ya’ll just met. Slow ya’ roll . . .  Pump ya’ brakes . . . .

J.R. it’s all good G. We ain’t buying anything together or nuttin. Just dating. You know how I roll…..

H.D. Go on, Big Playah BigBallah Big Pimp . . . . So, does this mean the end of your column ?

J. R. no son! I’m still single. Ain’t no ring on dis fingah! Plus I still have the old school stories and tales to tell about my shorty……

There were some more comments made between Dawg and I about a hockey tournament in Vegas and how he and I ended up being the only two heterosexuals on the team.  He said, “What happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas.”    I say that when two players were late for the first game and someone joked about them being in a hotel room doing each other, Dawg and I started laughing.  I’m not sure what my face looked like, but when I realized that we were the only two laughing, I looked up at him and the look on his face was straight out of a MasterCard commercial.  It was truly priceless!  Sorry bro, it had to be said.

I’m happy that my friends care enough about me to say nice things about my changed status, but the reality is (and P.S.O. will definitely verify this) that I am the same dumbass that I was a few weeks ago.  The only difference is that I have a bigger, goofier smile on my face now.

As I was writing this I went back to Facebook to look at something and I noticed that P.S.O. changed her status too.  Apparently she too is now “In a Relationship”.  That’s cool.  I wonder if I know the guy???

J.R.

BTW…you can become a Facebook fan of Sex and the Single Dad.  Check out the link on the right hand side of this page.  You can also become my friend on Facebook, www.facebook.com/jrreedradio

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Christmas With P.S.O.

Sometimes I’m just a douche…


It’s now a couple weeks into dating the Phone Sex Operator (P.S.O.) and things seem to be going well.  Her work schedule is busy at year-end and we were trying to get together on Wednesday for lunch in downtown Buffalo.  I sent her an e-mail in the morning telling her that I was hoping to see her and I got this reply:

What time would you like to make that a reality??

I’m free from 11:30am until 2:00pm – – – I have a 2:00pm call that I have to be here for ……..

xoxooxoxo

We decided to meet at 12 in the lobby of her office building.  I found a prime parking spot and made my way into the lobby a few minutes early and after a brief wait I looked up and saw my pretty blond strolling across the lobby wearing her trademark 3 inch heels and a huge smile (along with a nice sweater and a coat).  We hugged and had a nice hello kiss and decided on a place to eat less than a half block up the street.  She took my arm and we made our way over and into the restaurant.

During a previous conversation she had mentioned that she would really like me to make a CD for her of some of my favorite music so that she could get to know what I liked.  Well, I ended up making three CDs and I brought those to her.  I also had a card and a little gift for her.  I put everything into a Wal-Mart bag so that it would be easy to carry and as we made our way up the street she asked what was in the bag.  I told her that it was something for her and that if she could just hold out for a few minutes that I would give it to her when we got to our table.

The restaurant was mostly empty and we got a table that we would later find out was right in the middle of a really, really cold draft.  It was around 15 F outside and every time someone came in or out, we knew about it.  But that was OK because we were together.  We were talking.  We were laughing.  We were having a good time.

We looked over the menus, discussing what looked good, when she noticed the bag was from Wal-Mart.  She threw down some back-handed, sarcastic comment about how great it was that I cared so much about her that I chose to bring her things in a “freakin’ Wal-Mart bag.”  “Only the best for you, baby,” I replied with a wink and a smile.

She looked at the CDs and was impressed.  She read off all the songs aloud and made brief commentary on each one.  I guess I did a good job with the music because out of the 56 songs on the three discs, there were only two songs that she really didn’t like.  We were on the same page musically and that was a good thing—especially if there are to be any road trips in our future.

We placed our order and she looked at me and asked what else was in the Wal-Mart bag.  I reached in and pulled out the card I had for her.  It was a nice romantic card and as she read it I could see her hazel eyes light up and the smile on her face grew bigger.  When she was done, she looked up from the card, thanked me and leaned over to give me a kiss.  After the kiss, she immediately turned her attention back to the bag, because it was obvious that there was something still inside.

Before we get to the last thing in the bag, let me just say that there are times that you want to give someone a gift, but you wonder if that gift is appropriate or if it’s the right thing to do.  I mean, when you first think about it, it seems great.  But as you mull it over, you have some doubt creep into your mind and you have to really decide if you should give it or if you should just hold off.

Let me give you a tip.  We can call this “J.R.’s Gift Giving Advice”.  Here it is in a nutshell:  If you ever want to give someone that you are dating or married to a gift, and at any point before said gift has been given you have ANY DOUBT in your mind that maybe you should not give that gift—don’t!  Just hold back.  Keep it private.  Never mention it to a soul—not even to your best friend!

I say this to you because it is fresh in my mind and because, frankly, sometimes I don’t listen to my own sensible advice.  Also, let me remind you of what I said at the beginning of this—sometimes I’m just a douche!

Things are going well with us right now and I thought that she might like a picture of us to put on her desk at work. There are no such pictures anywhere in existence (unless they reside on a security camera somewhere) so I, in all my infinite wisdom, thought that I would stick a picture of me in the frame for now and that down the road when there were pictures of us, she could replace it.

Of course I never thought to share that with her verbally.  Apparently I figured that it was either common knowledge that the picture was just a place holder, or I figured that we had such a connection that she could read my thoughts and just know what the photo of me was there for.  It didn’t really work out that way.

I handed her the 5X7 frame (Thank God it wasn’t an 8X10!) upside down and she made a comment about how nice it was and how maybe she would put the card I gave her in the frame or that she would put a picture of the two of us in the frame sometime.  I smiled back and waited for her to flip the thing over and look at the front.  I can say with 100% certainty that I will never ever forget what happened next…

This beautiful woman flipped the frame over, looked at the picture of me, paused a second, then looked up at me and said (with the perfect balance of sarcasm and love), “Seriously?  A picture of you?  What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”  We were now laughing our asses off and the three women at the next table glanced over to see what was going on.  I looked over at P.S.O. and simply asked, “What?’

Before I even gave her the gift, I knew in my heart and in my mind that I should just yank the damn photo out, but I didn’t.  We both laughed about it because we both knew what a stupid idea it was.  She did tell me that the frame was sweet and that she would just put the card in there for now and maybe replace it with a picture of us down the road.  I smiled and said that was fine.  I figured that after giving her the picture her wanting to still go out with me was a good thing.

It came time for dessert and we decided to get a sampler of all three of their sweets.  The plate came and P.S.O. dipped her spoon into the chocolate pot de creme and lovingly raised it towards my mouth.  I tasted the treat and I took a spoonful and moved it towards her mouth.  As I did so, she looked up from the table and said, “what the hell are you doing?”  I told her that I was giving her a bite.  She looked at me and said, “That’s gay.”  I asked her what she meant and she said that for me to reciprocate was gay.  I asked her if it would be gay if I did it first and she said no.  Going first was cool, but for me to follow up was pretty gay.

We got together for lunch on Christmas Eve to exchange our real gifts.  She gave me a bottle of Escada cologne and told me that it was kind of a selfish gift because she really liked it (wink wink).  I also got a Christmas ornament—a silver and crystal letter “J”—and she said that she hoped that she would get to see it for many years to come.  I also got a nice handcrafted box with pens on the top and a quote from Ernest Hemingway on the side,  “THE WRITER MUST WRITE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, NOT SPEAK IT”.

The gifts blew me away.  She had no clue that Hemingway is one of my favorite authors and the fact that she gave me something that she hopes to see for years down the road is awesome.  I can’t wait for the first opportunity to go out with her and wear the Escada.  We’re going out New Years Eve and I can definitely wear it then.

As I drove back from the date I thought about the gifts that I gave her and about the gifts she gave me.  I came to a realization as I headed up the Skyway from Hamburg towards Williamsville:  Sometimes I’m just a douche, but I guess the rest of the time I must be a pretty decent dude.

J.R.

Related posts:

The Phone Sex Operator

New Years Eve Karaoke

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Filed under Dating, Phone Sex Operator