My Mom and Kotex


“Back when I started…”


I absolutely love my daughter and I love being a parent.  Do I wish that her mom were in the picture?  Not really.  Do I wish that things had worked out with her mom and I?  Sometimes.  Usually not.  The reality is that her mom is bi-polar and wasn’t a happy person and I wasn’t willing to live my life like that, nor was I willing to let my daughter grow up with that as her role model.

My parents were married for 46 years when my dad died of cancer and I always thought that I would fall in love and have what my parents had.  I guess that was their love story, not mine.  Right now I’m working on my own story.  So far it’s going really well.  I’ll be sure to keep you all posted!

I will always remember the date December 28, 2001.  It was my 10th anniversary and the day that I realized that my marriage was over as well as the day I found out my dad was dying of cancer.  For the record, I realized the marriage was over before I found out about my dad.  That is another topic for another day.  Today’s topic is way funnier than this…

Last Monday started like any other Monday.  I woke up at 6:45 and made some coffee.  I went upstairs at 7 to wake up The Drama Queen (D.Q.) and she announced (with her eyes still closed) that she was going back to sleep because today was a snow day.  I told her to open her eyes and look out the window.  She did and said, “There’s a lot of snow on the ground.”  To which I replied, “yeah, but look at my car.  No snow.  No snow on the car means no new snow on the ground which means no snow day!”  She was less than thrilled by that revelation.

I showered, got dressed and headed off to work for my 8:30 AM meeting.  The details of the day are more or less unimportant—until a few minutes after 6 PM.  I was driving home in the snow (now it was snowing….) and I was chatting with Phone Sex Operator (P.S.O.) as I made my way down Transit Road and onto Main St.  (Yeah, I had my Bluetooth headset).  As we were yakking I had another call come in.  “It’s my mom,” I told her.   “OK honey, talk with her and call me later,” she replied.  I clicked over to my mom and God help me; I wish we never had this conversation.  Why?

She called to discuss with me how I should talk with D.Q. about starting her period.  In all fairness, my mom and I talked the day before and I mentioned that P.S.O. had noted that she thought it wouldn’t be long until D.Q. had her monthly visitor.  Now I’m not at all naive and I knew that this day would eventually come, but I was totally hoping that we could put off this conversation for a while.  A long while!

She starts off with the whole “it’s a natural thing” speech and the “you’re going to do just fine” line.  So far it was going OK.  I mentioned to my mom that D.Q. has an appointment with her new pediatrician on Friday and that the doctor was a woman, so I felt pretty comfy with the whole situation.  For the record, I do NOT call her Drama Queen when I talk with my mom.  Well, I occasionally do, but not this time.

My mom suggested that I have D.Q. call my sister-in-law to have the Aunt Flo talk (my words, not hers) and I politely told her that I would keep the suggestion in mind and reminded my mom that P.S.O. offered to help with this.

After making me feel thoroughly uncomfortable and feeling like the conversation had hit rock bottom, she dropped “the bomb”.  It was perfect timing for this comment, actually, since I was about to pass a couple of very large, very solid trees.

I had no clue that I could be more uncomfortable than I already was, but once again I was wrong.  My mom went on to tell me that things have changed a lot over the years and that there are many more products on the market now.  What did she say that made me seriously want to drive into a tree and kill myself?  Prepare yourself.  My mom (who I love) said, “Things have changed a lot since I started.  Back when I started we only had Kotex.”

Oh my God!  My mother did not just utter the phrase “back when I started” in reference to her menstrual cycle, did she?  Yes she did!  I told my mom that I really needed to get off the phone and I quickly re-dialed P.S.O. and relayed the story to her.  She laughed really hard.  I mean REALLY hard.  After a couple of moments she composed herself and said, “honey you need to go to the store and get something for D.Q. to have on hand.  I said, “OK.  What do you suggest?”  She recommended something thin, but absorbent and said something about having wings.

The next morning I went to Wal-Mart and scanned the shelf for something that I felt met all of her criteria.  I made my purchase at the Self-Checkout (not that I was embarrassed, there was no line there) and ran a couple more errands.  After I got home I unpacked my bags and left the feminine product on the table.

I wondered if I had actually bought the right stuff, so I whipped out my camera phone, took a picture and texted it to P.S.O. with this message:  “Did I do good?”  To which she promptly replied, “Seriously?  You did NOT just send me a picture of ‘stuff’!”

We laughed about that on the phone for a few moments and P.S.O. asked to talk to Drama Queen.  The two of them had their little chick talk and D.Q. seemed pretty happy when they hung up.  As I thanked P.S.O. for helping me out, she laughed and said, “Oh baby…this is only the beginning.”  Great!!!

J.R.

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7 Comments

Filed under Parenting, Phone Sex Operator

7 responses to “My Mom and Kotex

  1. Dave Rose

    Thanks for a great laugh.

    My only comment is better you than me, bud.

  2. Thanks Dave. I appreciate the sympathy!

  3. Hilarious! Back when I started Always had been invented! I wish you much luck…and, like your Mom, I’m sure you’ll do fine…when the moment strikes. My mother was right there when mine started, but she didn’t know how to talk to me about it. So, I had to figure it out for myself. It. Wasn’t. Pretty. And, talking to my father wasn’t even a consideration. It’s wonderful that you are being groomed to help guide your daughter through such a momentous marker on the road to womanhood. BTW, there are some cool kits you can get to make it special for her and help her understand this not as a burden but as the gift that it is…after she’s taken the Motrin, of course. If I can track one down, I’ll come back and post it for you.

  4. Thanks Talibah! I appreciate the nice comments and I totally appreciate the link!

  5. Sunny

    Wow … you’re really ready for this huh? I guess if the worst part so far has been having the “talk” with your mom and you managed not to veer off into those trees then you’ll be just fine! What the heck is with the generic “product” and why in the world would you send a picture of this to PSO? I mean – I know she’s being supportive and all, but a picture message?!? Really JR – I hope you went back and got some name brand “stuff” to help your daughter out … take it from a woman: All Pads are NOT created equal 🙂
    Hang in there bud – you’re in for a bumpy ride (and don’t skimp on the med’s either – get the name brand motrin for crying out loud!) … just sayin’ …

  6. Sunny,

    funny you should bring up the generic pads. After P.S.O. and I laughed about sending her the pic, she told me that I was a cheap bastard (or something like that) and that I should go back and get the name brand stuff. For the record, I did keep the Wal-Mart brand and I stashed them away for a rainy day (pun intended) and I went out and bought some high quality name-brand protection for my little Angel.

    As always, thanks for reading and for commenting!

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